As soon as CPS was notified that Meredith and Jason were willing to take K, all the necessary approvals and tasks for her to be moved were accomplished at an incredibly fast speed.
In a few days reality set in for K.
She fully understood what was happening.
She knew she was about to be yanked away...
She readied herself to say goodbye...
to her mom
to her sister
to her family
to her pets
to her bedroom
to her favorite spot on the sofa
to her HOME
Can you imagine?
I'll admit, I can't!
I'll also admit I didn't have a clue the amount of pain K would endure in saying those goodbyes.
It was her home for 3 years. From ages 3 to 6...basically the only home she knew.
I guess the reason I was not prepared for K's heartbreak was because I knew what K had, and I knew what K was going to have.
Two contrasting worlds...
I saw K walking to school by herself, her clothes dirty and her hair a tangled mess.
In our family, her daddy would take her to school, and she would be dressed like the diva God made her to be!
After school, I saw Dookie walking K home, his stride 4 feet ahead of hers never saying hello or returning her smile.
In our family, Mimi would be at the front of the carpool line, ready to ask K about her day, and give her a special after-school snack.
I saw K, her brown eyes as big as saucers, telling me about watching the Saw movies, asking me if they were real or not.
In our family, we would lay together in the living room and watch kid-friendly classics...Parent Trap, Beauty and the Beast, Ms. Doubtfire, Toy Story, etc...
I saw a little girl who knew nothing about God.
In our family, she would learn that God loved us so much, He sent His only son to die, so we might LIVE!
I was excited for K, and I was excited for our family!
K, on the other hand, was full of anxiety, fear, hurt, and sadness. She was devastated, and it was absolutely heart wrenching to witness.
I felt foolish for feeling so excited, and not being more sensitive to what K was going through.
Two specific memories from those horrible days are forever etched in my mind.
One day I walked K over to get her backpack. I picked it up and it weighed a ton! When I peeked inside, I almost expected to find a brick! Instead I found about 10 milk bottles full of water. I looked at K puzzled, and she explained to me how she had been saving her milk bottles from breakfast and lunch and refilling them with water. She said, "Mrs. Grylls, I'm going to a new foster home, and you never know what they might give you to eat or drink." She then assured me that she was doing a good job rinsing out the milk so the water wouldn't be gross.
At six years old, K was a survivor! She didn't know where she was going, or if her basic needs would be met, so she was taking care of herself! It broke my heart into a million pieces! A six year old shouldn't have to think that way! She shouldn't have to worry about whether or not she will have something to drink! I was so sad, but I was also filled with admiration for K. I admired her courage and resourcefulness. How brave she was!
On another day, CPS had given Mrs. Gilpin and Mrs. Ruiz permission to tell K she was going to be placed with Mrs. Gilpin's friends. We were all hopeful that K would find the move less scary if she knew Meredith and Jason were friends of Mrs. Gilpin's and good people.
Her reaction was not what any of us expected. The cry that came out of K, was different from any cry I have ever heard before. It came from deep down. She bawled and bawled asking, "Why doesn't my mommy want to keep me?" Over and over she asked the same question. She desperately wanted an answer, and sadly none of us could give her one.
The rejection she was feeling was so raw! I could not handle it! I couldn't bear to hear her ask one more time why her mommy didn't want her. I walked out of the room and cried my eyes out.
That's when I realized how dumb I had been!
K didn't see her life as bad.
She didn't think anything was wrong with the way she was being raised.
She loved her mommy!
She loved her sister!
She loved Dookie!
She loved her pets!
She loved her room, her bed, her place on the sofa!
She loved her movie nights with her family, even if they were a little scary!
She loved her clothes and her messy hair!
She loved her HOME!
Everything she loved, she was about to lose.
I didn't realize the trauma K was experiencing, and it rocked my world!
In one of our foster care trainings we were led in an exercise that was both cheesy and impactful. We were instructed to write down the 8 things we loved the most in our lives. I jotted down God, my family, my friends, my home, my pets, my job, my church, and my pictures. Then one by one they told us we had to give them up and mark them out. As cheesy as it sounds, it was actually difficult to scratch through something so important to you. Eventually, they told us everything on our paper had to be marked out. They were illustrating what foster children go through...they lose everything they love. Of course, I refused to mark out God on my paper. I'm a rebel like that!!! Hahaha! But seriously, Romans 8:38-39 was stuck in my head.
Romans 8:38-39English Standard Version (ESV)
38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Often I think back on how God orchestrated all the events leading up to us getting K, and I am in awe of His plan. How amazing that I got to walk with my future daughter through those very dark, devastating days. I hugged her, held her, and covered her in prayers.
To her, I was just Mrs. Grylls, a nice teacher. To me, K was my future daughter! Oh how I wished I could have told her that too, but I couldn't! During those moments when K was bawling her eyes out, I wanted to pick her up and whisper, "It's okay! I'm going to be your mommy one day, and I will take good care of you!" It was so tempting, but our agency told us it wasn't 100% certain, until she actually walked through our front door, and we signed the papers. Thankfully, that happened on November 14th. However, the papers we signed were foster placement papers. We still have the adoption ahead of us.
So today, we covet your prayers as we approach our first court date in August. We desperately want to be K's forever family, but we still have some obstacles to overcome. We know God is in control, but it is still nerve-racking. We can't imagine K having to say goodbye to another family, and I'll be honest I can't fathom our family having to say goodbye to her!
Jeremiah 29:11-13English Standard Version (ESV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
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